You will have noticed my blog productivity has suffered a dip in recent weeks. All sorts of reasons – the run up to the start of term at work (now under way, but also of course very busy); a large amount of personal and business travelling; the demands of family life; the need to “pay attention” to aspects of my own transition; the list goes on.
While work will undoubtedly continue to be busy, I am coming up for air in other respects, so normal blog service will resume shortly (though probably not the daily rate I was able to accomplish for a time in the summer).
Part of my intention with the blog was to look at my past life through the lens of life post-transiton. I transitioned 14 months ago, and life is amazingly different, thought not always easy and almost never simple. But one thing the act of transition allows me to do is to look back at how I used to experience my life, as elements of that former life (secrecy, shame and decades of horrible internal conflict as I struggled to deny my true nature) are clearly in the past. That doesn’t make them done and dusted, even though it is a very positive realization. If you spend many years fighting yourself, stopping the fight does not immediately remove the stresses, strains and anxieties that all those years of struggle created, as I am increasingly realizing. I have had to learn new ways of being in the world, but also to try and face up to the difficult life that I have had and for my own peace of mind try to face the negative elements of that experience to try and put them to rest. I have made some progress (perhaps a lot of progress) in that regard but really, properly, beginning a new way of life, owning it offers huge challenges. Sometimes these are social, sometimes they are to do with physicality, sometimes they are political and sometimes, of course, these areas mix. There are milestones, but there are knockbacks, setbacks, fears, anxieties as well. And engaging with the politics of one’s circumstances (and politics more widely) at a time of huge personal change is a challenge. Particularly if you have an emerging sense of yourself which is at odds with other people’s orthodox views.
“Life …”, a paranoid android once said, “Don’t talk to me about life!”. The realization that all these challenges have to be faced while hopefully continuing to hold down a job, deal with family stuff etc often feels like I have two full-time jobs, which is pretty exhausting. Regardless, I remain determined to try and look myself and my life in the eye and face up to my circumstances as well as I am able to. Normal-ish blog service, therefore, is about to resume.